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December 21, 2012: The Great Intuition

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Mayan Calendar Doomsday Predictions: How We Know the End of the World is December 21, 2012

Mayans believed that the gods had failed three times in the making of the world.  In their fourth effort, they added man, and it is under this fourth sun that we all currently live.  But even this era is plagued with problems, like war, corruption, and genital warts, and it must come to an end.  The Mayan Long Count Calendar predicts this doomsday event.

The Mayans believed that the previous world lasted exactly 13 b'ak'tuns, or about 5125 years.  When it ended, the zero date for the new world was set, a date which would correspond to approximately August 11, 3114 BC on the Gregorian calendar.  Add 13.0.0.0.0 to that date, and you get the date when the fourth world, our world, will end: December 21, 2012. 

By the way, isn't it funny that we naturally consider 13 an unlucky number?  In my own life, for example, the number 13 has bleak associations.  I was 13 years old when I was first rejected by a girl.  Mindy Kern.  She was homely.  She looked a little bit like Tom Selleck, who, granted, is a handsome man, but it doesn't translate if you supplant his head onto the body of a 13-year-old girl.  Nonetheless, when I asked her to the school dance, she just stared at me and said "cranberries."  I also lived on the 13th floor of an apartment tower when my dad was murdered by his bookie for unpaid gambling debts.  At least that's the story my mother told.  I've always suspected that he actually collapsed head first into the toilet, high on paint thinner, and drowned.  We all have similar stories.

The Mayan Vase of Seven Gods (above, left) found at the Tortuguero monument connects the end of the 13th b'ak'tun with the appearance of Bolon Yokte' K'uh.  The exact translation of his name is unknown, but he appears in inscriptions from Palenque, Usumacinta, and La Mar as a god of war, conflict, and the underworld.  He is the doomsday reaper.  And the Mayan calendar predicts that he is coming December 21, 2012.

When I first read this on Wikipedia, I naturally freaked out pretty hard and started drinking at an alarming rate.  I was five bottles into a "six-pack" of Olde English when I remembered that Olde English comes in 40s, and it was shortly thereafter that I blacked out.  When I came to, however, something amazing had happened.  During my lapse in consciousness, I had discovered the true meaning of the Mayan calendar's doomsday prophecies...