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December 21, 2012: The Great Intuition

Doomsday Predictions

Doomsday Prophecies (Continued)

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Mayan Calendar Doomsday Prophecies: What Will Really Happen on December 21, 2012

There are many websites that offer info about the Mayan calendar and its doomsday prophecies.  Some sell books about how to survive, some sell survival supply kits, and some just provide general, but useful, information, like lists of celebrities that believe in the 2012 apocalypse (it's hard to argue with an idea that purportedly has support from the likes of Mel Gibson, Brittany Spears, Ashton Kutcher, Joe Rogan, Montel Williams, Lil' Wayne, and the incomparable Jack van Impe).

Of course, some people say that these websites are run by huge sleazebags who just want to take advantage of idiots and people with anxiety disorder.  I don't believe that.  I believe these people are true heroes, whose hearts are in the right place.  But they are operating from only a general knowledge and their predictions are therefore shrouded in uncertainty, fear, and vague generalities, with little or nothing concrete to back any of it up.  What really sets me, and this website, apart from these other sources of Mayan calendar end-of-world prophecies is that I am the only one who can tell you exactly how the world will end and precisely what you need to do about it.

When I regained consciousness after my episode of binge drinking, I realized that something miraculous had happened: during my blackout, when I had only the Great Intuition to guide me, I had solved the riddles of the Mayan calendar and was able to write them out in specific detail on this napkin.

Apparently, I began by writing my name at the top of the page, which I guess was just force of habit from back when I was in high school, which is the last time I did any serious writing, so ignore that.  The important part is what follows: my four prophecies.  As you can see, I wrote "asteroid, solar flares, machines don't work, and figs."  These are the four death-bringers, the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

So on December 21, 2012, here's how it's going to go down...

First, a giant asteroid will slam into the side of the Earth like a seizure victim on a Rascal Scooter plowing through a Cheesy Doritos display case.  Everyone on that side of the Earth will be instantly obliterated, but fortunately that will be the side which is basically full of evil people anyway: Europe, Africa, Asia, and other surrounding regions, like South America.  People living in the United States will be spared.

Some people believe that this asteroid will actually be the dreaded Planet X (aka Niburu).  I'm not sure where I come down on this particular point.  I apparently made some notes next to the word "asteroid" on my napkin, but that portion got ripped when I used it to wipe my mouth, so it isn't really legible.  Basically the main point remains the same though: don't travel abroad on December 21, 2012.

The terrifying image you see at left is not an actual photo of the asteroid that will strike Earth on the Mayan calendar end date (obviously it would be impossible to have a photo of that), but rather a photo of the last major asteroid to hit Earth at the beginning of the Ice Age.  This asteroid not only wiped out the dinosaurs, it also kicked up so much dust and debris that it shrouded the Earth in darkness and turned the warm tropical paradise that cavemen and pterosaurs so enjoyed, within hours, into a frozen wasteland.

"But wait," you're probably thinking, "there are also evil people living in North America."  You are correct, and that's where the solar flares come in.

Our sun, you see, is a star like any of the other white dots you see in the night sky (yes, it's true).  It is a giant nuclear reaction, and from the surface of this immense bubbling ball of sinner's comeuppance extend vast, lapping tongues of hellfire called "solar flares" (pictured at left) which will lash out and selectively fry portions of the North American continent, while leaving others untouched, much like the malfunctioning convection oven I bought on the Martha Stuart website.

The people that get fried will basically be the most evil, the ones that serve as a living affront to Bolon Yokte' K'uh, and who cannot be allowed to continue existing.  Because of this, you do not want to be within a 15 mile radius of these people on December 21, 2012.  There are many of them, but here is an abridged list of people you most certainly will want to avoid: Obama, the Doctor who delivered Obama, the other doctor who forged Obama's birth certificate, Al Gore, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, both Bonos (Chaz and the U2 one), Muslims, the gay kid from Glee, and basically the entire city of Oakland.

Then the machines will malfunction.  All of them.  The reason has something to do with the magnetism from the solar flares.

So be ready: no cars, no cell phones, no robots.

That's right, this time around, we can't count on our various chintzy home robots to save us.  If you're anything like me, that strikes a pretty deep blow.  During my twelve-year tenure at Walmart, I've purchased every robot they sold, including the cassette deck robot, the toaster robot, and Rob, the crummy gyro-spinning robot that came with the original Super Nintendo.  Man, that robot couldn't drop a gyro in the right spot to save his life.  But as inept and generally useless as these robots have been, at some level, I always felt that they would rally to my aid in a doomsday scenario.  I now know that my hopes, and my 10% employee discounts, were misplaced.  But this is how it has to be; it is the will of Bolon Yokte' K'uh.

Which brings me to the figs.  On doomsday, they will all simultaneously expire.  To eat them on this day, or after, would not be good.  I'm talking, at the least, serious indigestion. 

If you look at the image of the Mayan calendar found on this site's homepage, you will notice that the Mayan depicted in the center holds upon his back a great bounty of comestibles, but among them not is the fig.  In fact, at his feet, lies what appears to be a fig, discarded and vile.

Why does Bolon Yokte' K'uh despise the fig?  I theorize that it is because the fig was the patron fruit of his sworn enemy, whose name could never be uttered.  During several solid hours of research, I found no evidence to refute this.

So beware the fig, and all it's guises, including the Newton, for according to prophecy, she is evil.

Now you know, specifically, what to expect when doomsday arrives on December 21, 2012.  But do you know how to prepare?  Read my five basic steps to prepare for the 2012 apocalypse...